We’ve all experienced it, often without realizing. That pivotal, official moment when we realize that we have found a friend for keeps. Friendship is such a fascinating concept. Some people use the word “friend” more loosely than others. What does it mean to call someone a friend? Is it just someone you see at group get-togethers? Is it someone you call, text or keep in contact with often?
I have always believed in different levels and tiers of friendship. Sure, I have those people in my life that I only see a few times a year or those people whom I only hang out within a group setting, but I seldom call these people my friends. I have had the unfortunate experience, like I am sure everyone has at least once in their life, of believing that some people were my friends, and they turned out not to be for many reasons. I learned early on that you won’t always get the same effort, love, or attention that you give. We aren’t meant to be best friends or even good friends with everyone in our life. In fact, different relationships serve different purposes. Not every friend is going to be that go-to person we tell everything to, or that we know we can always have fun with regardless of what we are (or are not) doing. There are those friends that we are only going to see at group gatherings because that’s the only time that they show up, or they live far away and it’s hard to find time to hang out. Sometimes, and perhaps more often than we realize, our friendships are not equal. Friendships are not 50/50, nor can they be. We all need different things from our social interactions, engagements and our friendships. When I said above that I learned the hard way about believing people were my friends, when it turned out they weren’t, I wasn’t referring to something they might have done once that was unforgivable to me, I am talking about those friends that you really invest in emotionally, give your time to, are there for them when they are really down and out, and they repay you with unanswered calls, text messages, and never having any time for you. About 5 years ago, I really started eliminating these people from my life, and it was a really great feeling. I spent more time investing in those who were around often, checked up on me often, and really listened when I had something to say. I started thinking more deeply and paying attention to the little things they had done and realized that there was always one event, one act, one moment when that person really proved they care for you a lot; next level friendship mode was engaged…
Now, the real reason I got inspired for this blog post was that I was thinking about a friend of mine who has a birthday coming up soon. I have known this person for a long time and considered myself to be friends with him for many years (since the end of high school in fact, which was 2005/2006). We hung out frequently, had good conversations and laughs, and yes, I really became friends with him first off because he was best friends with my boyfriend (now husband) but I enjoyed his company, always. While we seemed to mostly hang out together in small or large groups, I never doubted that he was my friend. As I said, we had good conversations, had things in common, and it was never dull or awkward to hang out. We did have deep conversations with meaning and our friendship was evolving with time, as all friendships should. Our relationship was great. So when did I know for sure that he was truly a friend for keeps? After all, it’s not like he was going anywhere, he and my husband had been best friends since elementary school, so he was going to be in my life forever.
In 2018 this friend was getting married, and as mentioned in other posts, my husband was the Best Man and I was the Matron of Honour. When we were first asked to be in their wedding party, we accepted with joy, honour, excitement, pride and without any hesitation. When it came time for us to sit down and write out our speech for the wedding night, I had the chance to reflect on my relationship with both the bride and groom as separate individuals. As we sat and talked over the kinds of moments we would touch upon in our speech it became very evident to me, almost as though I was hit in the face with a brogue kick (wrestling reference). I knew that the groom was truly a friend for keeps because of an event that took place in the summer of 2011.
In June of 2011, I graduated from university for the first time. I completed my honours degree and my teaching degree but would embark on a new educational adventure in September when I was beginning my graduate program at Queens. Of course, there was much prep involved before starting school in a new city and it was a process. Being an organized person helped to keep me sane and made things a lot easier. There was an opportunity for me to retrieve my keys for my new apartment a month earlier than I was scheduled to move in, and being that I was working almost every day of the summer to save up for school, I had to take the first day off I could to try and get as many things moved up there as possible. It was very last minute and honestly, I wasn’t expecting anyone to be able to drop everything and help me so last minute; I just assumed I was going to take a carload of things to my new apartment all by myself and that was okay.
A few days before I was going to leave, this friend had texted us to see when we were free to hang out next. I expressed that I only had one day off and that I was going to be gone all day that day because I was moving up some stuff to Kingston. Without hesitation, my friend asked if I wanted some help or needed the company for the drive. I explained that I would be gone all day long so I wouldn’t want to take his whole day, as I didn’t have a planned end time to be home. He insisted on coming to help, and said he didn’t care how many pieces of Ikea furniture he had to assemble, he would be happy to come along. So we were set to go…
The drive to Kingston was the first time he and I had ever been alone together in the car, and while that makes some people uneasy, I was delighted to have that time to get to talk with him 1:1 and have his company. The drive was about 3.5 hours one way, and we bonded over car karaoke and various discussions about life, love and anything else you could think of! I really quite enjoyed the time in the car, and the whole day was filled with fond memories and moments. I was able to show him around Kingston, and we were able to get a lot of my stuff moved in and assembled for my new apartment. What I remember most was talking about the things we had never before; stories of growing up, past relationships and friendships, and future life goals. We talked for hours, not just because we had to, but the conversations kept flowing. He was such a tremendous help with moving, and I had learned so much about him that I never knew before. When we finally left to go home it was very late, but we continued to talk, laugh and crack jokes. It was a very special moment that I am tremendously thankful for. By offering his free time and day to me, he was really offering me so much more.
This experience was when our friendship levelled up and I knew that no matter the circumstance or situation, I could rely on him as a friend; not just because I was dating his best friend, but because we were friends too. Now we have been friends for about 14 years, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He and his wife are two of the closest friends my husband and I have, and we adore both of them so much. Thinking about that day in Kingston sparks great conversation and reflection on my relationships with those I adore and love: when was that moment when our friendship engaged to the next level?
If you’re reading this thinking about your own relationships and trying to pinpoint that pivotal moment in a friendship or relationship you have with someone, I encourage you to talk to that person about it. You might find that when they engaged “next level friendship” might be a different time, place and event than yours. It can lead to some really fascinating and meaningful conversation! Just like in video games, you unlock so many cool things when you level up.
So to my friend reading this, if you do, thank you for all your friendship (and for building that Ikea dresser with me; even if we assembled the drawer the wrong way!) Bahaha.
Five Feet High Thoughts 